Read Ebook: The Philistine: a periodical of protest (Vol. III No. 2 July 1896) by Various Hubbard Elbert Editor

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They looked at each other and laughed, ruefully. Then they agreed to become engaged, temporarily: what in Virginia is known as "just engaged," in contradistinction to "engaged to be married."

For a time it was good fun. He was more devoted than ever; and they even thought of making it permanent. But you know how people act in Germany. Every time he came into the parlor, whoever was sitting beside her, jumped up, and he had to go over and sit beside her. Then he had to make pretty speeches to her while all the other boarders, with German tact, stopped talking and listened.

The man and the girl carried out their roles well, though they drew the line at having their picture taken with their arms around each other. This was a great disappointment to the other boarders. Neither the man nor the girl was able to talk to any one in the house except about the girl and the man. It got to be boresome after a while.

When at last they left Duesseldorf, the joy with which they flew asunder was something to see. There my plot and the romance end. Of course there were to be chaperones and scenery.

WHICH SINNED?

I was confessor; my cousin or Miss Hart was sinner ; the story is about this:--

He stood opposite her in the waltz quadrille. He did not know her, but thought what a pretty girl that was in the pink dress, and wondered if I knew her.

At "Ladies half change," he reached out his hand with eagerness and she gave hers without reluctance. When they stood in their places again, he continued to hold hers, instead of dropping it as he might. Presently she turned to him, smiling, and glanced down at their hands. He smiled, too. Then she withdrew her hand, but without apparent offense.

This was all the preliminary skirmishing. The question of veracity comes next.

After the dance my cousin came to me.

"Who was that pretty girl opposite me?" He said.

"What girl?" I asked.

"The one in pink: who was to your right: and danced with the man in the wilted collar."

"Ah! That was Miss Hart. Nice girl."

"Yes," assented my cousin. "She squeezed my hand the second time we met in the grand right and left. I wish you'd introduce me to her."

The next dance happened to be the second extra, which I had with Miss Hart. We had not gone half way around the room when she said:

"Why didn't you introduce your cousin to me? He squeezed my hand in the last quadrille."

Of course it's a simple matter of tact. I have my own opinion, but prefer to allow the sentimental reader to judge for himself. I have known Miss Hart a long time and she never has squeezed my--however I don't suppose that really bears on the point.

THE UNUSABLE PLOT.

Here is another plot, but unfortunately it belongs to a friend of mine, so that I cannot use it.

If is half past four in Paris--stories of this class are always put in Paris--and the hero, who is also the villain, goes into a church. He stops at one of the chapels and looks in. A woman is there, but the light is dim and he cannot at first be sure that it is she whom he seeks, women's backs being all somewhat alike.

She is kneeling, and she has been crying, though the hero cannot see that. He speaks to her and thanks her for giving him this opportunity of seeing her, and is going to take her hand; but she interrupts him and tells him that it is all a terrible mistake, that she cares for him to be sure, but that it is in a platonic way as a brother, that she truly loves her husband, and is sorry for all that has happened.

The hero who is also a villain listens with half a smile: he has seen women repent before, and it adds zest to the chase. His manner warms and he makes love admirably.

The heroine is nice--so the person who made this plot told me--and the hero is horrid. His hair is a little thin on the top of his head, and his boots are carefully polished, and he is a little fat. He is always polite to a pretty woman, but his politeness is something of an insult.

As for the hero who is also the villain, he is piqued that it should be she that has stopped loving first; but is perhaps as well, he reflects, for she was beginning to bore him.

"SANS WINS, SANS SONG, SANS SINGER, AND--SANS END."

I have another plot, but I do not expect ever to do anything with it. It is about the Man in the Iron Mask. Somebody is to be handling the iron mask--it is kept, I think, in the Invalides at Paris--when upon pressing a certain knob a hidden recess is to be revealed, constructed with marvelous ingenuity wherein is to be a paper telling all about the man in the iron mask.

There is nothing very original so far; but as I recollect this plot--I thought of it four years ago--the denouement was very striking. Unfortunately I have forgotten it.

KENNETH BROWN.

SIDE TALKS WITH THE PHILISTINES: BEING SOUL EASEMENT AND WISDOM INCIDENTALLY.

Subscribers to the PHILISTINE not fully understanding my jokes will be supplied with laughing gas at club rates.

And now a resident of Chicago proposes to build in the Windy City a church patterned after the beautiful church at Cork, but whose steeple is to be twice as high, and which is to cost a full million dollars. Cork can keep her rags and illiteracy; she may continue sending her guests to bed with a candle; but no longer shall she be able to boast her supremacy in things ecclesiastic--not by a dam sight!

THE EAST AURORA SUMMER SCHOOL OF LITERATURE: The season of 1896 opens July 1st, and will last for two months. The idea of the course being to prepare beginners that they may score a success in the fall publishing season.

A feature of our system is the Art of Sonneting which is imparted in three lessons, leaving the pupil then free to take up Novel Writing, Essay Composition or Dramatic Construction. The Modern Sex Novel Department is under the special care of the Matron.

For prospectus, address with stamp, Doctor John Peascod, D. D., Principal, Room 1001, Philistine Building, East Aurora, New York.

A small but lusty Philistine is now following Strange Gods in one of the Buffalo newspapers. In his "Philistine Talk" he cites certain authors who he claims have an itch for fame; and for their benefit and the benefit of Organized Charity he gives the following Fable:

The Emperor Claudius on going up the steps of the Capitol at Washington one day found a Beggar who had a bad case of Eczema. Now the Eczema had staked off its claim on that particular spot on the Beggar's back where he could not scratch it. The Emperor being a tenderhearted man, and a generous, acceded to the fellow's prayer and ordered a slave to scratch the Beggar's back. Next morning on mounting the Capitol steps the Emperor found two Beggars in place of one. But instead of assigning two slaves to scratch the backs of the two Beggars, he remarked in a sweet imperial falsetto: "Here you shabby sons of guns! scratch each other!!" and passed on in maiden meditation fancy free.

I descend again to Mr. Bok, and apologize to the Philistines for having once seemingly coupled his name with that of Mr. Howells. That particular issue of the PHILISTINE is now listed at seven dollars with no copies to be found. Whether the scarcity arises from the agents of Mr. Howells having bought up all obtainable copies and destroyed them, or whether Mr. Bok's emissaries scoured the book stalls for them, to keep as precious heirlooms, or both, I cannot say.

When George Haven Putnam said, "The chief business of the True Publisher is to discourage the publication of books," he made a strong bid for immortality. The mot deserves to rank with Tallyrand's concerning the gift of language.

Any writer who poses before the country as being the winner of A Big Prize is no longer like Caezar's wife.

Little Journeys

SERIES FOR 1896

Little Journeys to the Homes of American Authors.

No. 1, Emerson, by Geo. W. Curtis. " 2, Bryant, by Caroline M. Kirkland. " 3, Prescott, by Geo. S. Hillard. " 4, Lowell, by Charles F. Briggs. " 5, Simms, by Wm. Cullen Bryant. " 6, Walt Whitman, by Elbert Hubbard. " 7, Hawthorne, by Geo. Wm. Curtis. " 8, Audubon, by Parke Godwin. " 9, Irving, by H. T. Tuckerman. " 10, Longfellow, by Geo. Wm. Curtis. " 11, Everett, by Geo. S. Hillard. " 12, Bancroft, by Geo. W. Greene.

They will be issued monthly, beginning January, 1896, in the same general style as the series of 1895, at 50 cents a year, and single copies will be sold for 5 cents, postage paid.

G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS, NEW YORK AND LONDON

The ROYCROFT Printing Shop has in preparation GLYNNE'S WIFE, a story in verse by Mrs. Julia Ditto Young.

The publishers have endeavored to give the story a typographical setting in keeping with the richness of the lines. Five hundred and ninety copies are being printed on smooth Holland hand-made paper, and twenty-five on Tokio Vellum. The copies on Holland paper will be bound in boards covered with antique watered silk; the Vellum copies are bound in like manner save that each will bear on the cover a special water-color design done by the hand of the author.

The price of the five hundred and ninety copies is two dollars each; the Vellum copies five dollars each. Every copy will be numbered and signed by Mrs. Young. Orders are now being recorded and will be delivered on September 1st, numbered in the order received.

THE ROYCROFT PRINTING SHOP, East Aurora, New York.

Quarterly. Illustrated.

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