Read Ebook: Penelope: or Love's Labour Lost Volume 1 (of 3) by Scargill William Pitt

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As the mind and feelings of Penelope Primrose were impelled in different directions by her natural constitution, and by her accidental situation, a greater degree of interest was thus attached to her character. There is in our nature a feeling, from whatever source arising, which loves not monotony, but delights in contrast. The tear which is always flowing moves not our sympathy so strongly as that which struggles through a smile; and the sun never shines so sweetly as when it gleams through the drops of an April shower.

To introduce a female character without some description of person, is almost unprecedented, though it might not be injudicious; seeing that then the imagination of the reader might fill the vacant niche with whatever outward, visible form might be best calculated to rouse his attention, to fix his sympathies, and to please his recollections. But we are not of sufficient authority to make precedents. Let it be explicitly said, that Penelope Primrose exceeded the middle stature, that her dark blue eyes were shaded by a deep and graceful fringe, that her complexion was somewhat too pale for beauty, but that its paleness was not perceptible as a defect whenever a smile illumined her countenance, and developed the dimples that lurked in her cheek and under-lip. Her features were regular, her gait exceedingly graceful, and her voice musical in the highest degree. Seldom, indeed, would she indulge in the pleasure of vocal music, but when she did, as was sometimes the case to please the Countess of Smatterton, her ladyship, who was a most excellent judge, used invariably to pronounce Miss Primrose as the finest and purest singer that she had ever heard. More than once indeed the Countess had recommended Penelope to adopt the musical profession as a sure and ready means of acquiring independence; but the young lady had scruples, and so had her uncle.

It has been said in the preceding chapter, that Dr Greendale resumed his studies as soon as Mrs Greendale left his apartment, and that he soon forgot the interruption and the discussion which it had occasioned. After a little while however he found that the train of his thoughts had been seriously broken, and that he could not very easily or conveniently resume and connect it. He therefore determined that he would for a few hours lay aside his pen, and indulge himself with a little relaxation from study. These occasional relaxations are very essential to authors, especially to those whose writings are the result of deep and continuous argumentative thought. The doctor indeed had found this to be the case to a much greater extent than he had anticipated: for, when he first busied himself upon his great work, he thought that three years would be the very utmost of the time which he should occupy in the labours of the pen. But it so happened that he spent so very large a portion of those three years in the pleasing employment of looking to the honor and glory which lay beyond them, that they were absolutely gone before he was well aware of it, and his important and momentous labours were only begun; he had scarcely laid the foundation of that magnificent superstructure, which was destined to be an immortal and unfading monument of his theological and polemic glory. And even long after the expiration of the first three years, he found it necessary to rouse himself to extraordinary, and almost convulsive diligence by preaching some very eloquent discourses on procrastination. In these discourses he quoted Young's Night Thoughts; and most of his parishioners thought the quotations exceedingly fine; but Mr Kipperson, of whom more hereafter, quite sneered at them, and afterwards told the Earl of Smatterton's gamekeeper, that Young was nothing of a poet compared to Lord Byron. But, notwithstanding all that the worthy rector of Smatterton had said, thought, or preached, concerning procrastination, he could not help now and then indulging himself and laying aside his pen, just for an hour or two; it could not make much difference; and besides it would not do to be always writing; there must be some interval allowed for thought. In one of these intervals, now accounted for by the interruption of Mrs Greendale, he sent for his niece Penelope; for he thought that in Mrs Greendale's present humour the young lady would feel herself more at ease in any other company than that of her diligent and managing aunt.

Well it was indeed, for the dependent one, that this humour of relaxation seized the doctor at this moment: for Penelope had met Mrs Greendale on her return from the doctor's study, and had, in as considerately gentle, and humble terms as possible, proffered her assistance in making preparation for the morrow's party; and Mrs Greendale, instead of receiving the offered aid courteously, as it was proposed, only replied:

"I beg, Miss Primrose, that I may not take you away from your studies. Besides, it is not quite correct that guests should provide for their own entertainment."

Much more to this purpose said the angry wife of the rector of Smatterton, and Penelope bore it as patiently as she could. From this discussion however she was soon and most agreeably relieved by a message from the doctor, commanding, or more properly speaking, requesting her attendance in the study.

Hastily but not rudely she quitted the paragon of domestic managers to attend to the best of uncles, and the keenest of polemics. When she entered the doctor's room, she found the books closed, and the pen laid down, and the chair moved, and the fire stirred, and a chair cleared of its literary lumber and put on the opposite side of the fire-place for her to sit down upon. These were pleasant symptoms, and pleasanter than all were the kind and amiable looks of her uncle.

"Penelope, my dear, if you are not very much engaged I should like to have a little conversation with you. But, perhaps, you are helping your aunt to prepare for tomorrow?"

"No, sir, I am not, for my aunt does not want any help. I was offering my assistance when you sent for me, but my aunt declines it."

"Indeed!--Well then sit down, my dear, sit down. Have you been practising this morning? I have not heard you. You must learn that new song before you go to the castle, for it is a great favourite with Lady Smatterton."

"I have practised this morning, and I sang it over two or three times after breakfast. I think I know it now quite perfectly."

"That's a good girl. But I cannot say I wish you to make a business of singing. It is always very well for an amusement but no farther. The Countess is very kind to you, and you ought to oblige her as much as possible; yet I would not wish that you should give your exclusive attention to that science."

"I have no such wish myself, sir; I feel very much embarrassed and confused even when I sing at the castle, when no one is present but Lord and Lady Smatterton. I am sure I could never bring myself to perform in public."

"Very good; you have a very proper feeling on the subject. I know the Countess would be very happy to bring you out under her patronage, and very respectable patronage it would be; but I have very great objections to such publicity for a young person like you."

"But, my dear uncle, I have been thinking--I have been thinking--"

Penelope, in thus speaking, hesitated and blushed, and trembled, and a tear would have been seen starting into her eye, but the doctor observing that she was confused, did not look at her to increase her confusion. Suspecting what was the cause of this embarrassment, he said:

"Yes, yes, my dear, I know what you have been thinking about, and I have been thinking of the same subject. You think it very strange that you have not heard from Robert Darnley."

The doctor was right, and the doctor was wrong. Penelope had indeed been so thinking, but it was not of these thoughts that she was then about to speak. The suspicion however increased her confusion and she wept. Sobbing, she exclaimed with great earnestness:

"Oh no, my dear uncle! I had no such meaning, but I was going--"

The doctor heeded not these words, but proceeded to say, with much tenderness of manner:

"But, my dear Penelope, you should not make yourself uneasy. Foreign letters are frequently delayed and detained from a variety of causes. I dare say you will soon have a sufficient explanation of this silence. I have often had your father's letters two or even three together, after waiting a long while, and fearing that the correspondence had ceased."

Penelope recovered her voice and more composedly replied; "Indeed, sir, it was not of Robert Darnley that I was going to speak; I was about to say that it was now time for me to go out into the world and no longer to be burdensome to you."

"Burdensome to me, my dear child, how can you think of such a thing?"

"But, sir, it is painful to be in a state of dependence when one has the means of doing something for a maintenance. I am sure, my dear uncle, you would not mention the subject to me, and so I am compelled to speak first."

"A state of dependence is a state in which we all are. We must be dependent on one another, it is the ordering of a wise Providence; it is the means by which we have the development and exercise of some of our best and purest feelings. Beside, you are yet too young to teach others, you have not finished your own education, you want experience. Pray do not talk of leaving me. If you say any more on this subject I shall be afraid your home is irksome."

This was the most effectual appeal that could be made to Penelope; it silenced, but convinced her not. It is true that her home was irksome. It was annoying to her in spite of all her constitutional vivacity and acquired philosophy to be continually exposed to the open or covert reproaches of Mrs Greendale. For this very clever lady had exercised management in everything but in the government of her own temper. And true it is, though strange it may appear, that her own opinion of her own temper and habit of mind was exactly the converse of reality; so when we see our image reflected by a looking-glass, that which is our right hand appears as our left, and that which is our left appears as our right. Mrs Greendale thought herself a model of candour and good humour; and whenever she uttered reproaches against Penelope, which was not very seldom, she actually thought and believed that all the fault was in the young woman's perverseness, vanity, or affectation, whereas the only fault was in her own distempered vision, which could see nothing good in her, against whom, for some unaccountable cause, she possessed a decided prejudice. For a mind thus constituted, there was obviously no remedy; Mrs Greendale could not profit by indirect hints, nor could she see in others of the same temperament a portraiture of herself. It was also in vain that Penelope attempted to please her; that was an absolute impossibility, and the dependent one had found it so by long and bitter experience. The poor girl therefore was not of opinion that she was burdensome to Dr Greendale, but she felt that Mrs Greendale was burdensome to her; she found that her elasticity of spirit was diminishing; she began to assume the air and aspect of one tried with far deeper troubles than the continual wearisomeness of undeserved reproaches. Though occasionally Dr Greendale had perceived something of this, and though he had given some gentle hints to that purpose to his better half, yet he had no idea of the extent to which the annoyance reached, and of the bitter pains of heart and spirit which it occasioned to his niece. The art of ingeniously tormenting was once made the subject of a lively little book, but the art is not to be learned; it comes as the spontaneous growth of the mind, and Mrs Greendale knew the art much better than the witty author of that treatise.

We have explained the situation in which Penelope was placed. But as every condition of humanity is more or less of a mixed nature, so in her state there were some alleviations. Her kind-hearted and benevolent uncle, so considerate and so gentle in his manner towards her, partly counterbalanced the pain which she experienced from the behaviour of her aunt. He was constantly endeavouring to encourage her with hopes that her situation was not destined to be for ever a state of dependence. He was perpetually dwelling upon the brightest view of her father's prospects; and though Mr Primrose had now been fourteen years in India, and during that time had sent to England very little more than promises and flattering hopes, yet the worthy doctor was pertinacious in cleaving to the conviction, that his brother-in-law would eventually, and perhaps very soon, fulfil his promises, and realize the hopes which he had excited. As for himself, the uncle of Penelope would willingly have adopted her as his own, but this adoption would have been serviceable only during his natural life; for he had scarcely anything to call his own beyond the income of his living.

In the situation of Penelope there was also another circumstance, which might be said to be an alleviation; but which, in some of its bearings, was a source of deep anxiety. Robert Darnley, the son of the rector of Neverden, had very early in life, by means of strong interest, been appointed to a situation of great promise in India; and two years before the time of which we are writing had made a visit to England; during this visit an acquaintance had been formed between him and Miss Primrose, and this acquaintance was not met by any opposition on the part of the young gentleman's parents. Mrs Greendale could not imagine what Mr and Mrs Darnley could see in Penelope to make them so partial to her, and she thought that a young man of such talents and prospects might make a far better match than with a young woman whose only portion was her pride, and a few useless accomplishments; for in this point of view did she regard her niece, or, to speak according to her own most frequent manner of expression, Dr Greendale's niece. Mrs Greendale, to be sure, did not oppose the match, but she could not help giving a few hints as to the unreasonableness of the expectation that Penelope should consider the rectory as her home till she should be married. For, as the good lady well observed, there is no accounting for these young sparks, they may change their minds a thousand times; and then in such case what would the young woman be fit for, after living in expectation of becoming a fine lady, and at last being compelled to earn her own living? It may be imagined, and it might be described, how unceasingly eloquent was Mrs Greendale on these topics; and it may also be imagined that no great delicacy would be used as to the manner in which such precautionary reflections and admonitions were administered by the prudent and knowing wife of the book-loving rector of Smatterton. And as the worthy doctor gave himself up so closely to his studies, his dear wife took it for granted that he must be a mere ignoramus as to all worldly matters, and therefore she endeavoured to supply the deficiencies of his knowledge by the redundancy of her own.

Pleasing then as it might be to Penelope Primrose to look forward to competence and independence with one for whom she entertained a reverence as well as an affection, yet, in spite of her confidence in the mental stability and good sense of her destined husband, it was impossible not to be in some degree affected by the perpetual and unceasing repetition of hints and insinuations concerning human fickleness and juvenile inconstancy; more especially when these hints and insinuations were somewhat corroborated by the fact, that latterly the epistolary communications had diminished in frequency.

From these circumstances it may be then easily inferred, that Penelope was not in an enviable situation, and that nothing could have supported her spirits but that exceedingly strong propensity to bright hopes which is the characteristic of the youthful mind, and about which moralists, and essay-writers, and other wiseacres, make such a prodigious and prosy preachment. Mr Malthus himself could not desire a more effectual mean of thinning the denseness of population, than causing every mind, if it were possible, to form such a view of future days as should be actually realized by the event. But it never will be so, and it never can be so; Providence is wiser and kinder than moralists and essay-writers; and Providence has given to the young that brightness of hope, the pleasures of which are far greater than the pains of disappointment. The very disappointments of maturer life bring with them some pleasurable alleviation, in the eloquence and pathos with which we sigh and lament over the deceitfulness of the world's promises; and thus there is a double good derived from a single evil. For youth is pleased as it looks forward to manhood, and manhood is soothed and instructed as it looks backward to youth.

We do not like to finish a chapter with a sentimentality clap-trap, therefore we turn from our digression to inform the reader, that the interview between Dr Greendale and his niece terminated in reconciling the latter to a longer residence under her uncle's roof, and in convincing her that the non-arrival of letters from India would be very satisfactorily accounted for; so that Penelope looked forward to the party engaged for the next day with a degree of pleasure, and a portion of hope that Mr or Mrs Darnley would explain the long silence of their son.

"A party in a parlour," to quote an expression from the author of Peter Bell, is to a clever, active, and managing woman, a very serious and important matter. If then on the morning of that day which was destined for the reception and entertainment of Colonel Crop and Miss Spoonbill, Mrs Greendale should be extraordinarily full of business, and in proportionable ill-humour, it were not to be wondered at. This was very naturally anticipated by Penelope, who endeavoured as well as possible to provide against it. As soon therefore as breakfast was over she put on as cheerful a look as she could well assume, and asked Mrs Greendale to give her leave to assist in preparing for the evening entertainment; and to her very great astonishment, instead of meeting with a rebuff, she was answered with great civility, and her offer was accepted; and even her opinion was asked concerning divers ornamental arrangements of the supper table. The cause of this phenomenon it is our duty to explain.

Our readers then are to be informed, that on the preceding day, almost immediately after the interview and dialogue between Mrs Greendale and the doctor concerning Penelope, the angry lady of the rectory went to call on Miss Spoonbill, in order to make assurance doubly sure, as concerned the longed-for visit. At this lady's house, Mrs Greendale had the pleasure of seeing Lord Spoonbill; and as his lordship was a very affable young man, he condescended to take great notice of Mrs Greendale, and to ask particularly after the doctor and his niece. In the course of conversation Mrs Greendale cleverly contrived to let the young lord know that there was to be a party at the rectory the following day, and that Miss Spoonbill and Colonel Crop had kindly condescended to honor the humble roof of Dr Greendale by their presence; at the same time she also ventured to express how much they would be honored and how highly gratified if his lordship should not happen to be better engaged, and would favor them with the pleasure of his company. To her inexpressibly agreeable surprise, his lordship unhesitatingly accepted the invitation. "Now a fig for Mrs Darnley," thought Mrs Greendale; "I shall have a lord for my guest." This it was that put Mrs Greendale in such good humour. Penelope soon received from her aunt the information which we have communicated to our readers, and with that communication she also had a request from the good-humoured and managing mistress of the rectory, that she would see that the pianoforte was in tune, and that her music-books were in order, because his lordship was excessively partial to music. It was absolutely impossible for Penelope not to comply with this courteous request, and she promised that the music should be all in proper order, though she knew that she should be under the disagreeable necessity of performing some stupid duets, in order to give his lordship an opportunity of displaying his own little knowledge of music.

Lord Spoonbill was the only son and heir of the Earl of Smatterton. At the time of which we are writing, this promising youth had just finished his education at the university of Cambridge, or more properly speaking at the joint universities of Cambridge and Newmarket; for the latter is a kind of essential appendix, or chapel of ease, to the former. It is indeed a great piece of neglect, and grievously impeaching the wisdom of our ancestors, that Cambridge only of the two universities is blessed by the vicinity of a race-course; seeing that our hereditary legislators are in many cases more fond of applying the knowledge which they acquire at Newmarket, than that which they gain, if it be any at all, at the university of Cambridge: and if there be any truth in the observation, that the best kind of education is that which is applicable to the purposes and pursuits of after-life, then indeed Newmarket may be called the better half of Cambridge. Lord Spoonbill was not one of those careless young men who lose at the university what they have gained at school; one reason was, that he had little or nothing to lose; nor was his lordship one of those foolish people who go to a university and study hard to acquire languages which they never use, and sciences which they never apply in after-life. His lordship had sense enough to conclude that, as the nobility do not talk Greek, he had no occasion to learn it; and as hereditary legislators have nothing to do with the exact sciences, it would be a piece of idle impertinence in him to study mathematics. But his lordship had heard that hereditary legislators did occasionally indulge in other pursuits, and for those pursuits he took especial care to qualify himself. In his lordship's cranium, the organ of exclusiveness was strongly developed. We do not mean that his head was so constructed internally, as to exclude all useful furniture, but that he had a strong sense of the grandeur of nobility and the inseparable dignity which attaches itself to the privileged orders. The only instances in which he condescended to persons in inferior rank, were when he was engaged at the race-course at Newmarket, or when he found that condescension might enable him to fleece some play-loving plebeian, or when affairs of gallantry were concerned. In these matters no one could be more condescending than Lord Spoonbill. We should leave but an imperfect impression on the minds of our readers if we should omit to speak of his lordship's outward and visible form. This was an essential part of himself which he never neglected or forgot; and it should not be neglected or forgotten by his historian. He was tall and slender, his face was long, pale and thin, his forehead was narrow, his eyes large and dull, his nose aquiline, his mouth wide, his teeth beautifully white and well formed, and displayed far more liberally than many exhibitions in the metropolis which are only 'open from ten till dusk.' His lips were thin, but his whiskers were tremendously thick. Of his person he was naturally and justly proud. Who ever possessed such a person and was not proud of it?

Now when this superb and elegant specimen of nobility condescended to patronize Mrs Greendale's party, was it not enough to account for the exquisitely high spirits in which the good lady appeared, and for the unparalleled courtesy with which she accepted the offer of her niece to assist in preparation for the evening's entertainment? Penelope herself was very much pleased; for though she had often endeavoured to persuade herself that she did not heed Mrs Greendale's ill-humours, yet she could not help feeling the difference between good-humour and moroseness. It is not pleasant to be always within hearing even of the snarling of a dog, or the creaking of a rusty hinge, and far less pleasant is the language and tone of human censoriousness. The young lady was not only pleased with her aunt, but she also regarded Lord Spoonbill with some degree of approbation. Of his lordship indeed, she knew but little, save that when she passed him he used to stare at her with great rudeness and earnestness. That was not agreeable; but, for aught her simplicity knew to the contrary, such behaviour might be the mark of that superiority of mind which so exclusively belongs to persons of rank.

Penelope was also in good spirits at the thought of meeting Mr and Mrs Darnley, from whom it was possible that she might hear something of Robert Darnley; for though she had frequently said to herself, "I am sure he has forgotten me," yet she did not believe herself when she said so. Most highly proper and suitable was that feeling; for it was possible that the neglect was only apparent and not real; in such case, therefore, common candour required the most favorable view of the matter. It should be stated, that Smatterton and Neverden were adjoining villages, both of them at some distance from the high road, and Neverden was in the line between Smatterton and the nearest post town. The letters were carried by a great lubberly boy, called Nick Muggins, who rode upon a little half-starved weazel-faced animal, that might pass for a horse, ass, or mule; but the poor animal was so grievously insignificant, that the inhabitants of Neverden and Smatterton did not even take the trouble to decide to what species it belonged. But let that pass. Now Nick Muggins was not one of the best readers in the world; he had unfortunately left school before he came to that part of his education. There is many a man of letters who does not know how to read. In consequence of this defect, Nick was forced to call in the aid of the more learned, and it was not unfrequently the case that when he asked Mr Darnley, saying; "Please sir, what's the 'rection of this here?" that if the letter was for Penelope, Mr Darnley would take it of the boy and carry it to Smatterton in the course of the day, and especially when no letter came for himself from the same quarter, as he was anxious to hear from his son by every opportunity. In hopes therefore that Mr Darnley would make himself doubly welcome at Smatterton, Penelope kept up her spirits. So the day passed over very brightly and calmly; and before the shadows of evening had descended, Mrs Greendale's party began to assemble.

No newspaper announced to the world Mrs Greendale's rout, nor did the hospitality of the rectory disturb the neighbourhood by the rattle of carriages, the glaring of torches, the thundering of knockers, or the impatient vociferations of coachmen and footmen. Of the party, we have already mentioned Miss Spoonbill, Colonel Crop, and Lord Spoonbill. Mention has also been made of Mr and Mrs Darnley; but nothing further has been mentioned than their names. As it is desirable to know one's company, it may not be unsuitable in this place to introduce to our readers more particularly and descriptively Mr and Mrs Darnley and family.

The Rev. Robert Darnley was rector of Neverden, having enjoyed the living about five and twenty years at the time of which we are writing. He was a most zealous churchman, and was thought by some persons of more lax and complying principles to be rather a bigot. In his manners there was no lack of courtesy, though to a casual observer he might seem rather proud and haughty. He certainly did entertain a very high sense of the dignity and importance of the clerical office; and even those who censured his stately manners bore willing testimony to the activity and zeal with which he discharged his clerical duties; and the more creditable to him was this testimony, inasmuch as he never appeared in the character of a preferment-hunter. He almost entirely confined his labours to his own parish, and though the living was small and his own property was ample, he was as attentive as if his subsistence depended on his parish. Some of his friends used to say that his professional income was altogether expended in charity. He was a man therefore of much influence in his neighbourhood, and indeed it was often remarked that he seemed to be a greater man than Sir George Aimwell himself; and in truth, if moral dignity has anything to do with greatness, he certainly was.

Mrs Darnley was the best-tempered woman in the world; not very remarkable for anything else than for her good-humour, which was imperturbable and imperishable, and for the remains of great personal beauty, or rather prettiness. Their family consisted of one son, of whom we have already spoken, and of three daughters, who were educated by Mr Darnley himself, and therefore were more distinguished by the depth of their learning than the extent of their accomplishments. Happy was it for them, and happy for their father, that they possessed minds capable of doing justice to a literary education. They were not pedants nor prigs. To Penelope Primrose they were invaluable friends, and one or other of them was an almost unceasing companion to her. The name of the eldest was Anne; of the second, Mary; and of the third, Martha. Mary was most distinguished for talent, Martha for imagination, and Anne for good humour and practical good sense. If there were any difference in the degree in which the young ladies were devoted to literary pursuits, perhaps the eldest was the least zealous. It does indeed not unfrequently happen, that increasing years abate the fervour of literary pursuits, from shewing us the vanity of mental labour, and teaching us how little we can learn, and how limited must be our knowledge even in its utmost possible range. We do not, however, design to insinuate that Miss Darnley was far advanced in years, or that her knowledge had reached, or even closely approached, the practical limits of mortal acquirement. We are merely making the best apology we can for the young lady's but moderate thirst for literary distinction.

There was one however of Mrs Greendale's party against whom no charge of indifference to literature or science could be justly brought. It was Peter Kipperson, Esq. This gentleman, though in middle life, had not abated aught of his zeal for learning. He was a man of very great intellectual ambition. His views were not confined to any one branch of literature, or directed exclusively to any one science. As an agriculturist he certainly took the lead in his county; and being, as it was currently reported, "a capital scholar," he was the composer or compiler of all resolutions and petitions touching the interest of corn-growers. His opinion was asked, and his expressions quoted as authority on all matters connected with land, or stock, or grain. If any ingenious mechanic had constructed or invented any new machine, the invention was worth nothing till it had the sanction and patronage of Mr Kipperson. But he was not a mere farmer: he was also a man of letters. He had one of the largest libraries in the neighbourhood; besides which he was a subscriber to a public library in the metropolis, from whence he had all the new publications as soon as they came out. He had read far more than Mr Darnley or Dr Greendale: the former of whom he called a high priest, and the latter a mere pedant. On the great men of the two villages, Lord Smatterton of Smatterton, and Sir George Aimwell of Neverden, he looked down with great contempt as very ignorant men; and though Lord Spoonbill had been at Cambridge, Mr Kipperson was quite sure, from the obsolete constitution of the universities, that nothing could be taught there that was worth knowing. He therefore thought Lord Spoonbill a very superficial and ignorant man. To the pursuits of literature Peter Kipperson added a profound love of science. The plain farmers, when they called upon this genius, were astonished at the very knowing aspect which his library wore; seeing, that besides the numerous volumes of elegantly bound books, which were ranged on shelves surmounted with busts of Milton, Shakspeare, Cicero, &c. &c., there were globes, maps, electrical machines, telescopes, air-pumps, casts of skulls, chemical apparatus, and countless models of machines of every description, from steam-engines down to mole-traps. The glories of Peter are yet untold. Wearied as our readers may be with the monotony of panegyric, they must, if they continue to be our readers, undergo yet more, and be told, that Mr Kipperson was a great judge of music. He could play on the flute and on the pianoforte; but he thought nothing of his performance compared with his judgment. He had once at the opera witnessed the performance of Don Giovanni, and from that moment became a critic. Furthermore, Peter was a perfect gentleman, and, to crown all, a man of patriotic principles;--though it has been whispered that his politics were conveniently adapted to those of the Earl of Smatterton and Sir George Aimwell. It does sometimes happen, as some of our readers may know, that in some parts of Great Britain the little gentry copy the politics of the great gentry or nobility of their neighbourhood. Mr Kipperson, with all those amiable and estimable qualities, was a single man. He consoled himself, however, with the reflection that Lord Bacon and Sir Isaac Newton were unmarried.

"'Pon honour, Mr--Mr--I--I am not a reading man."

Mr Kipperson thought his lordship somewhat rude, and perhaps might have been disposed to challenge him, only he feared that he might be disappointed, and hear his lordship exclaim,

"'Pon honour, Mr--Mr--I--I am not a fighting man."

Lest by any perverseness of apprehension the interrogator of his lordship might be induced to proceed in his unwelcome familiarities of approach, the heir of Smatterton rose from the sofa and took his station at the pianoforte, where Miss Primrose had been with much persuasion vainly endeavouring to place Miss Martha Darnley. Now Lord Spoonbill did not like to hear Miss Martha Darnley so well as he liked to hear Miss Primrose; and the three reasons which determined him are such as for their soundness must approve themselves to all our readers. In the first place, the politics of Mr Darnley were opposed to the politics of Smatterton castle; in the second place, Miss Martha Darnley was not so pretty as Miss Primrose; and in the third place, Miss Primrose was by far the best performer of the two.

"That is a beautiful duet, Miss Primrose," said his lordship.

"Will your Lordship take a part in it?" replied Miss Primrose.

"With the greatest pleasure," responded his lordship: and as his lordship was speaking, Mr Kipperson approached the musical group, and was about to repeat his well-known commentary on Mozart's music, when, at the instigation of Lord Spoonbill, the music began. He only made two or three blunders through the piece, and Miss Primrose very mercifully concealed them when she could, and accounted for them when she could not conceal them.

In like manner his lordship went through several other duets, as historians speak of battles being fought, "with various success." In like manner his lordship kept Miss Primrose engaged at the instrument nearly the whole of the evening: so that no one else could enjoy the use of the pianoforte, or be favoured with the company of Miss Primrose, or the charms of his lordship's conversation. But Mrs Darnley, after long and anxiously watching an opportunity to speak to Penelope, came near to the instrument, and whispered loud enough to be overheard by Lord Spoonbill, "We understand that the Warley is arrived off Portsmouth, and we shall no doubt have letters tomorrow or next day."

It was rude in Mrs Darnley to interrupt the musical people, and it was condescending in Penelope not to be rudely inattentive, especially as she was listening also to compliments from a lord. But Penelope Primrose was one of those high-spirited young ladies who think nothing of titles. She was thankful for the information which Mrs Darnley communicated to her; but while she felt thankful for the matter she was somewhat troubled by the manner of the information. There was an expression in Lord Spoonbill's countenance which signified that he not only heard but understood the nature of the communication which was thus made. Very true, it was nothing to his lordship, but still it was not pleasant to Penelope to have this information conveyed to her in the hearing of a third person. She therefore blushed most burningly.

Now Lord Spoonbill was quite as capable of behaving politely as of behaving rudely; and he never did either the one or the other without abundant reason and motive. It was not at this moment part of his system to behave rudely. Very kindly therefore he took no notice of the blushes of the young lady, and very naturally he spoke about Mrs Darnley and the rector of Neverden. He spoke of them in such terms of recommendation as were not best calculated to recommend them. This is an ingenious artifice too well known to require explanation, and too villanous to justify us in saying a single word that should contribute to render the practice more facile. The language had an effect on Penelope, of which she was scarcely aware. She had a feeling of undefined and unaccountable uneasiness, and the very intelligence which Mrs Darnley had communicated did not give her that unmingled pleasure which she had anticipated. The evening passed off not so pleasantly as the day had done.

While Miss Primrose was engaged at the pianoforte, Mrs Greendale was endeavouring with all her powers to entertain Miss Spoonbill. In these endeavours the poor lady laboured with more zeal than judgment. It is a common, but very foolish, practice for little folks to assume greatness, in order to recommend themselves to the great. It never answers, nor is it likely that it should. For what is the use and benefit of rank if it be not to separate and distinguish the superfine part of the species from the general mass of mankind? And whence arises the pleasure of this distinction but from its rarity. Who would care to be a duke amidst a whole nation of dukes, or who feels himself honoured by the title of esquire? Instead therefore of listening with complacency to the harangues of Mrs Greendale, and the talk of her own or her husband's alliance to nobility, Miss Spoonbill most perversely directed her conversation to the prospects of Penelope Primrose.

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