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Ebook has 4675 lines and 500793 words, and 94 pages

"I was completely at a loss what to do or say next; but, pretending as though I hadna heard her, I said, as familiarly and kindly as I could, though my heart was in a terrible swither--'Bring out the bottle, lass.'

"'Bottle!' quo' she, 'what bottle?--what does the man mean?--has he pairted wi' the little sense that he ever had?' But had ye seen her as she said this!--I've seen a cloud black when driven wi' a hurricane, and I've seen it awfu' when roarin' in the agony o' thunder; but never did I see onything that I was mair in fear o' than my wife's face at that moment. But, somehow or ither, I gathered courage to say--'Hoots, woman, what's the use o' behavin' that way? I'm sure ye ken weel aneugh it's the speerit bottle.'

"'The speerit bottle!' cried she, wi' a scream; 'and when was there a speerit bottle within this door? Dinna show yoursel off to your American freend for a greater man than ye are, Patie. I think, if wi' a' that ye bring in I get meat and bits o' duds for your bairns, I do very weel.'

"'I wish you good-day, Mr Crichton,' said he; 'I have business in Kelso to-night yet, and can't stop.'

"I was perfectly overpowered wi' shame; but it was a relief to me when he gaed awa--and I slipped out after him, and into the shop again.

"'O Tibby, woman!' said I, 'I'm very distressed. Here's my faither laid in the grave, and I dinna see what's to come o' my mither, puir body--she is auld, and she is frail--she has naebody to look after or provide for her but me.'

"'You!' cried Tibby--'you! I wush ye wad mind what ye are talkin' about! Ye have as many dougs, I can tell ye, as ye hae banes to pike! Let your mither do as ither widows hae done afore her--let the parish look after her.'

"'O Tibby, woman!' said I; 'but if ye'll only consider--the parish money is very sma', and, puir body, it will mak her heart sair to receive a penny o't; for she weel kens that my faither would rather hae dee'd in a ditch than been behauden to either a parish or an individual for a saxpence.'

"'An' meikle they hae made by their pride,' said Tibby. 'I wush ye wud haud your tongue.'

"'Ay, but Tibby,' says I, for I was nettled mair than I durst show it, 'but she has been a gude mother to me, and ye ken yoursel that she's no been an ill gude-mother to ye. She never stood in the way o' you an' me comin' thegither, though I was payin' six shillings a-week into the house.'

"'And what am I obliged to her for that?' interrupted my Jezebel.

"'I dinna ken, Tibby,' says I; 'but it's a hard thing for a son to see a mother in want, when he can assist her. Now, it isna meikle she takes--she never was used wi' dainties; and, if I may just tak her hame, little will serve her, and her meat will ne'er be missed.'

"'Ye born idiot!' cried Tibby. 'I aye thought ye a fule--but ye are warse than a fule! Bring your mither here! An auld, cross-grained, faut-finding wife, that I ne'er could hae patience to endure for ten minutes in my days! Bring her here, say ye! No! while I live in this house, I'll let ye ken that I'll be mistress.'

"I am sorry for ye, Patie," said Robin Roughead; "but really I think, in a great measure, ye hae yoursel to blame for it a'!"

"Me!" said Patie--"what do ye mean, Robin?"

"Why, Patie," said Robin, "I ken it is said that every ane can rule a bad wife but he that has her--and I believe it is true. I am quite convinced that naebody kens sae weel where the shoe pinches as they that hae it on; though I am quite satisfied that, had my case been yours, I wad hae brought her to her senses long afore now, though I had

Dauded her lugs wi' Rab Roryson's bannet,

"Weel, Patie," said Robin, "I wadna hae ye to lift your hand--I was but jokin' upon that score, it wadna be manly;--but there is ae thing that ye can do, and I am sure it wad hae an excellent effect."

"Dear sake! what is that?" cried Patie.

"For a' that has happened ye," said Robin, "ye hae just yoursel to blame, for giein' up the key and the siller to her management that nicht ye gaed to Orange Lane. That is the short and the lang o' a' your troubles, Patie."

"Do you think sae?" inquired the little bicker-maker.

"Yes, I think sae, Peter, and I say it," said Robin; "and there is but ae remedy left."

"And what is that?" asked Patie, eagerly.

"I just mean this," added the other; "be your ain banker--your ain cashier--be maister o' your ain siller--let her find that it is to you she is indebted for every penny she has the power to spend; and if ye dinna bring Tibby to reason and kindness within a month, my name's no Robin Roughead."

"Do ye think that wad do it?" said Patie.

"If that wadna, naething wad," answered Robin; "but try it for a twelvemonth--begin this very nicht; and if we baith live and be spared to this time next year, I'll meet ye again, and I'll be the death o' a mutchkin, but that ye tell me Tibby's a different woman--your bairns different--your hale house different--and your auld mither comfortable."

"O man, if it might be sae," said Patie; "but this very nicht, the moment I get hame, I'll try it--and, if I succeed, I'll try ye wi' a bottle o' wine, and I believe I never drank ane in my life."

"Agreed," said Robin; "but mind ye're no to do things by halves. Ye're no to be feared out o' your resolution because Tibby may fire and storm, and let drive the things in the house at ye--nor even though she should greet."

"I thoroughly understand ye," said Patie; "my resolution's ta'en, and I'll stand by it."

"Gie's your hand on't," said Robin; and Patie gave him his hand.

Now, the two friends parted, and it is unnecessary for me either to describe their parting, or the reception which Patie, on his arriving at Birgham, met with from his spouse.

Twelve months went round, Dunse fair came again, and after the fair was over, Patie Crichton once more went in quest of his old friend, Robin Roughead. He found him standing in the horse market, and--

"How's a' wi' ye, my freend?" says Patie.

"Oh, hearty, hearty," cries the other; "but how's a' wi' ye?--how is yer family?"

"Come and get the bottle o' wine that I've to gie ye," said Patie, "and I'll tell ye a' about it."

"I'll do that," said Robin, "for my business is dune."

So they went into the same house in the Castle Wynd where they had been twelve months before, and Patie called for a bottle of wine; but he found that the house had not the wine license, and was therefore content with a gill of whisky made into toddy.

"I am glad to hear it," said Robin; "I was sure it was the only thing that would do."

"Ye shall hear a' about it," said Patie. "After parting wi' ye, I trudged hame to Birgham, and when I got to my house--before I had the sneck o' the door weel out o' my hand--

"'What's stopped ye to this time o' nicht, ye fitless, feckless cratur, ye?' cried Tibby--'whaur hae ye been? Gie an account o' yoursel.'

"An account o' mysel!' says I; and I gied the door a drive ahint me, as if I wad driven it aff the hinges--'for what should I gie an account o' mysel?--or wha should I gie it to? I suppose this house is my ain, and I can come in and gang out when I like!'

"'No,' says I, 'I'm no drunk, but I wad hae you to be decent. Where is my supper?--it is time that I had it.'

"'Ye micht hae come in in time to get it then,' said she; 'folk canna keep suppers waitin' on you.'

"'But I'll gang whar I can get it,' said I; and I offered to leave the house.

"'I'll tak the life o' ye first,' said she. 'Gie me the siller. Ye had five cogs, a dizen o' bickers, twa dizen o' piggins, three bowies, four cream dishes, and twa ladles, besides the wooden spoons that I packed up mysel. Gie me the siller--and, you puir profligate, let me see what ye hae spent.'

"'Stop your breath!' cried she; 'gie me the siller, every farthin', or wo betide ye!'

"She saw that I wasna drunk, and my manner rather dumfoundered her a little. The bairns--wha, as I have tauld you, she aye encouraged to mock me--began to giggle at me, and to mak game o' me, as usual. I banged out o' the house, and into the shop, and took down the belt o' the bit turning-lathe, and into the house I goes again wi' it in my hand.

"'Wha maks a fule o' me now?'

"There wasna a word passed between us for three days; I was beginning to carry my head higher in the house; and on the fourth day I observed that she had nae tea to her breakfast. A day or twa after, the auldest lassie cam to me ae morning about ten o'clock, and says she--

"'Faither, I want siller for tea and sugar.'

"'Gae back to them that sent ye,' says I, 'and tell them to fare as I do, and they'll save the tea and sugar.'

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